Draw me a map

(Source: storyofmakayla, via ftransm)

I went out to lunch with my mom and my wonderful boyfriend on Sunday, and it was so amazing. We sat in Ruby Tuesdays talking forever, about everything. My mom finally came clean about having a boyfriend, and I’m so happy for her because she’s found someone who makes her happy, and so have I. I’ve even met him before, I just didn’t know it was him. My mom talked about the person I was last year, and all the horrible times we went through, and how miserable and angry I was, and how much I’ve changed. She told my boyfriend that she’s so happy he reached out to me when everyone else ran away, because he makes my life a million times better everyday. Talking about everything from the past made me realize how much better off I am now, how much happier I am, and how much everything has changed. My life came within seconds of ending on April 8, 2011 and now I’m so beyond thankful of the girls who came along and saved me and let me have the chance to have this wonderful life of mine. I couldn’t be more thankful to be alive. To all the people who helped me through the worst time of my life, I can’t ever thank you enough. To all the people who left during the worst part of my life, I can’t thank you enough either, because it opened up a whole new beginning for me, a whole new life.

I know you’d totally kill me if I didn’t do this haha, so here you go.

So, once again, I’m really not sure where to start. Obviously, I’ve known you all my life, and when we were younger (and even not so young) we were always getting into fights, or you were doing something like convincing me to eat a cookie you made of play-doh (thanks for that btw :P). But when it came down to it, you were always there for me. Last year, when I messed up pretty bad, you were there for me, even though you were at school. I remember laying in our beds, our lights off, and just talking about boys, or just about anything, forever. Even though it seemed like we could never get along, once you went off to college I realized how weird it was to sleep in a room with two beds, but only one person every night. It was weird, and still is weird, to not have you to go talk to about boys, or mean girls, or mom and dad, or Logan or anything. We stuck together a lot when mom and dad would get mad, and we’d always be there to stand up for each other, and then be there to help each other when it was all over. Or even when Logan and I would fight, you would always be the one to break it up and make us get along.

As much as I might deny it later, I’ve missed you while you’ve been away at college. You used to always tell me about the boys you met, or the crazy things your friends did, or the crazy things you did, but now it seems like I barely know you at all. Its a weird feeling, and when I get to thinking about it, I wish it wasn’t that way, but I guess we were gonna separate at some point in life. We would always say we would never talk to each other again and we didn’t wanna be around each other, but now that we’re not around each other and we don’t talk much, I’ve realized how false those statements were.

I was always so jealous of you, and I still am when you come back around. You’ve always been so pretty, nice, smart and just perfect and everybody loves you. The attention seemed to always be on you, and I just seemed to be hidden in your shadow. You’ve always been the person I looked up to. I always wanted to dress like you, or have my hair like you, or have friends like yours or anything. When you come back home, I remember all those years, and I feel like I slip right back under your shadow.

But, Lex, I love you. And it means so much to me to hear you say that I’ve changed in a good way over the last few months. I always loved getting compliments from you, because like I said, you were my role model. (Can you believe I even wanted to do cheer-leading like you once? Yeah, neither can I). I miss you, and I hope you find your way through your life, just like I did. I’m bound to have to do it again, but I just wanna see you end up happy (if you end up with an actually boyfriend, I might pass out haha). Well, here’s your dear sister letter :)

Well, I didn’t get 10 likes on that status, but you liked it, so here it is, if you ever see it.

I’m not really sure where to start. When we were together, I loved you, I honestly loved you so much. You were so perfect in my eyes, that I failed to see when you started turning into someone else. You went behind my back with multiple girls, and I will never apologize for slapping you in the face, because you deserved it. I know I was completely mentally unstable when I was with you and I was difficult to handle, but I gave you everything I had and more. I thought we were perfect together. Sometimes, when I see you in the hall, I wonder how everything changed so much. We act like complete strangers, but I know you were looking in for me in calc the other day, and your status was about me. Sometimes my heart races too, and sometimes I start to think about when we were so happy together. Then, I think of how it ended. How you were with Cassy, and apparently Nicole, and I never knew. And how when my life was going to shit, and I was barely hanging on, you told people you’d help me kill myself. I tried that very same day. I came back that Monday, then didn’t come back for like a month, and you made fun of me the whole time. I was in a mental hospital for a week because my world just came crashing down when you did that. I still remember that day I came back from the field trip, and you wouldn’t look at me. Then when the bell rang, you tried to get out without talking to me. Then I slapped you. Somehow, I had thought things were going to work out, but with me in the state I was, they never would have. And I apologize how I was when we were together, I was always depressed and always angry, and I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. But then you and everyone else in my life left, and I meet some messed up people, and I also meet the guy I love more than anything. Everything changed once all of you left my life. It was hard for awhile, I would cry about how I missed you and how I just wished you’d show up and everything would be okay again. I’m okay now, but sometimes I worry about you, because it seems like you’re slipping back into the person you were before we met, and even slipping a little farther. But maybe you never really changed in the first place, I was just in love and blind.

And I’m constantly wondering what you’re thinking about me. You do things like look right at me through Cirillo’s window, and wear all the clothes I ever gave you (and you can’t forget who gave you the Montana shirt, that was obviously me). I wonder how much crap you talked about me once I was gone, and maybe even before hand. I wonder if you ever miss me, if you ever think we made a mistake by falling apart. If you read this, you should let me know what you’re thinking, because you obviously wanted to know what I was thinking.

Well, bye Brendan.

Oh, and ps, I wonder what you think when I talk about Toby, and I post pictures of him, or I talk about Todd, Rascal or Chanticleer and post pictures of them too. You knew how much I loved them all, and I wonder if you ever felt bad for what happened to them. Toby’s been gone 3 months today, and you know he was my world for over 3 years. You knew how much I loved him, and I think for a time, you might have loved him too. I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason, I just want some acknowledgement of my existence, my pain, my happiness, whatever. We dated for almost a year, and then it ended, and for a while I hated you, or tried my best to make myself hate you. But I’m too happy to hate people anymore, I just can’t do it, so I just want to know what you’re thinking, because here’s almost everything I’ve been thinking.

We all bleed red. We all taste rain. We all fall down, lose our way. We all say words we regret. We all cry tears. We all bleed red.

Remember that. You don’t want someone’s blood on your hands.